T’was only a couple of days ago that I took a ride to a rather secluded pool on the outskirts of Pattaya to have a noggin or two with Kevin and Denis, not really looking forward to fishing myself as the place is full of toothy Pacu whose main diet appears to be my hooks.

What happened next took my breath away as I caught something longer than a canoe and with a girth resembling the mother in law’s backside.

When I said, “I caught”, perhaps that is a slight exaggeration, but I am still claiming much of the credit.

“You have a bite,” I said, “strike you blithering idiot.”

My job done, I left Kevin with the relatively easy task of winding the fish in.

We knew that there was at least one Arapima in the pool, as on the odd occasion when I wasn’t tying on a new hook, the beast had put in an appearance, once scaring me witless.

It may not look very much like a crocodile when on land, but when in mid-air, little more than a couple of yards away with its mouth wide open, the muscles in my backside relaxed.

The resulting spray and tidal wave drenched me and after checking that my underwear was still untainted, I resolved to get even using my match rod and 4lb line.


Kevin struck and the fight was on and what a fight it turned out to be.

Its runs were unstoppable and Kevin’s 80lb braid began to fray, little curls appearing as it rubbed against the top ring. Too much pressure and it would be gone – too little and it would certainly make the concrete pillars on the far side of the lake.

My lifetime experience of gudgeon snatching came into play as I gave encouragement and plied him with endless cans of Leo beer.

Something had to give.

Would it be the line – would a rapidly tiring Keven accept defeat or would the fish simply get bored and surrender?

The lake owner appeared with a gigantic net, his daughter, and her rather tasty friend.

My attention was diverted.

Who gives a damn about a stupid fish anyway?

“Get in the water and net the fish, Billy.” Kevin shouted, as the leviathan surfaced and gasped for air.

“It’s my birthday today,” said the tasty friend, “would you like to come over to the party for a drink?”

“That’s extremely nice of you,” I said, “I am rather thirsty.”

“Billy, for xxxxx sake,” screamed Kevin.

“I would love to join you,” I continued.

The lake owner and Kevin jumped into the lake and after a couple of minutes managed to subdue the beast and slide it into the net.

“For god’s sake, help me lift the net out, Billy.” Said Kevin.

“We’ve got plenty of beer, what’s your name?” Said the Totty.

“It’s xxxxxx Billy.” Said Kevin. “Now give me a hand with the xxxxx fish you xxxxx moron.”

That’s me with the afore mentioned totty and the fish before the two of us went back to the house for a drink or so.

How big was the fish?

Dunno, the spring balance only went up to 50lb which wouldn’t have even covered its head.

Kevin, Denis and me estimated possibly somewhere North of 300lb, maybe even 400lb – it took 6 of us to carry it in a net to a different pool.

The Totty weighed a little over 110lb without her clothes, I guess; then again appearances can be deceptive after a few beers.