I have had quite a number of friends contact me recently regarding spending Christmas in Thailand, in particular Pattaya.

Unfortunately, few of them are aware of the odd little problem that may crop up before they indulge in the multitude of carnal delights that the city has to offer.

If I were to hand a computer to a troop of Baboons, statistically, sometime in the future they would produce a blueprint for gaining access to the country.

At this point in time I would suggest that the Thai Tourist Authority find that troop of Baboons.

After ticking all the boxes on the download, some applicants are accepted within minutes, some wait for days, while the majority are torn between booking a fortnight in North Korea or smashing their computer into a thousand pieces.

Nigel, a good friend of mine, spent a week trying to obtain approval before eventually booking a fishing holiday in Mexico, graciously asking me to look after his Thai girlfriend for a couple of months until he can figure out how to gain access to the country.

A friend in need.

Ok, so you have jumped through all the hoops and you are now at the Bangkok airport heavily laden with Viagra and looking forward to a fortnight’s holiday.

Problem 1)

You take your Corvid test and even though you are asymptomatic, it comes up positive.

Two weeks in a Thai hospital – 350,000 baht – If a new test proves negative after the two weeks you will be allowed to fly home.

Problem 2)

Someone sitting near to you on the plane tests positive – two weeks in hotel quarantine with total isolation, and if clear after the period, you will be allowed to fly home – cost, minimum 100,000 baht.

Problem 3)

If your taxi driver from Bangkok to Pattaya tests positive in the next week, you will be picked up and placed in quarantine in a Thai hotel of their choosing and kept under surveillance until you are allowed to fly home – cost 100,000 baht.

Anyway, let’s look on the bright side of life and assume that you have finally arrived in Pattaya, the sex and party capital of the world.

Check in – shower – food.

At your favourite restaurant, you cannot have a glass of wine nor a beer; apparently, since the Thai authorities noticed that a certain brand of beer was called Corona, they assumed that a symbiotic relationship between alcohol and the virus had been formed and the only way to protect the population of the country was to ban alcohol completely until the assumed epidemic was over.

How can the Western Governments have been so stupid not to notice this?


Moving on – satisfyingly filled with Thai food, (Natures greatest laxative) it is now party time.

Why is the city so strangely quiet?

Where is the music?

Where are the girls?

Where are the bars?


The Thai government tried to warn you but you didn’t listen you fool.

All the ridiculous restrictions and obstacles that they put in your path was a way of telling you that Thailand is CLOSED.

There are no bars open – no Agogo’s – no oily massage parlours – no parties – no music – no bugger all.

You can visit a few Temples if you wish or sit on the beach if you wear a mask.

Just as Baboons cannot do computers, Thais cannot do logic nor common sense.

Last week, along with 63 other bar owners, I lost one of my bars with no form of compensation simply because money trumps loyalty every time in the land of smiles.

If you do cross the minefield and make it here before Christmas, I wish you a good one.

Once boredom sets in, you might even buy one of my books.

After paying rent on 2 bars for 18 months without opening, only to find that one of the bars has disappeared faster than a fart in the wind, I have had to put both the Ferrari and helicopter on hold for a few millennia.

Still, who gives a damn?

Once you reach late middle age, I suppose every day is a bonus – I’m going fishing.